Don't stop believin'

Jackasses of the Dream Cruise | August 23, 2008

I’ve been to 13 of the 14 annual Woodward Dream Cruise events, which is the world’s largest one day classic car show event.  Each year brings a crowd of over a million people, some who travel from around the globe to attend. It’s always a fun event but there were a couple of things that grated on me this year.  So I present to you:

The Jackasses of the 2008 Woodward Dream Cruise

Up first, is this man: Mr. sportscoat-clad, sunglasses-adjusting, hair-gelled Mustang Man.

It’s not enough for this guy to have a Bullit parked in the middle of Mustang Alley.  (Did you notice his license plate?)  No, while he stands double layered in temperatures reaching the mid-80′s, he has his door open and stereo blaring “Steve McQueen” by Sheryl Crow.  On repeat.  Way to earn attention, jackass – even the negative kind.

The second thing to hit a nerve is the Magic Bag’s marquee.  Each Dream Cruise has been accompanied with some snotty message on the marquee that conveys the idea that this one day event wrecks havoc on the revenue of local businesses, like this sign in 2005:

While I personally believe that this theory is pure crap and that any business that truly takes that hard of a hit on Dream Cruise day needs to rethink their game plan, it’s become almost of a game for me.  “What message did they put up this year to make them think they’re better than everyone else?”  I was pretty upset by what I found this year:

Not only is the marquee void of anything scathing, but it’s advertising an after party catering to the very people the Magic Bag has shunned for more than a decade!  Apparently they realized that this event that is supposedly so harmful to the area actually boosts the local economy and they decided to cash in.  I always thought the marquee statements were obnoxious and unnecessary but I at least learned to appreciate the consistency.  But apparently 2008 brought in a new way of thinkng: “What can we do to cash in on this? Bitching about it isn’t paying off for us.” Hope that income helped soothe your guilty consciences, jackasses.

But finally, I have a bone to pick with a certain targeted audience: those groups of people who infiltrate large gatherings such as the Dream Cruise to spread the word about their views about which I couldn’t possibly give two shits and would prefer not to see or hear.

When I attend the Woodward Dream Cruise, I expect to see hicks in lawnchairs, idiots with souped up – but by no means “classic” – vehicles, and lots of people who are dressed up like it’s a clown school reunion. But these are things I can accept and embrace. However, anything that has to do with the choices I can make regarding my reproductive rights or what deity I choose to slaughter a lamb for should not enter the realm of wonder that is my favorite classic car show. Not only is it a tasteless and poorly thought out decision to display such graphic images at what is heavily marketed as a family-friendly function, but it truthfully only makes me wantto get an abortion to spite the jackasses that would believe this is a good idea. This is not the appropriate venue to be bringing in such high charged issues and only a fool who would not be embarrassed by such an outrageous act of disrespect toward every person attending the Dream Cruise would be dumb enough to believe that it’s a good idea or that anyone would take it seriously.

So good game, jackasses. I salute your asinine abilities to piss me off. Do us all a favor and leave the metro Detroit area for next year’s Woodward Dream Cruise.

And as an added bonus, a clip from the action, taken from the backseat of a very comfortable Corvair.